Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

all that yoga finally paid off

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.