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It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
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