[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
You Might Also Like
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
smartest karate player in the world
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
me linking you to my twitter
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?