[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
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I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
always be there
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.