Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

Sex so good you see dead people.

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table