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Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no