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Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
OH. COME. ON.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Breaking news:
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.