[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
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I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
They did not think through this water fountain
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.