Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
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I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth