Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
i want enemies
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.