Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

Spa day..😅

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.