Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

Winnipeg!!

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

yikes

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?