“I’m tired of fruits that taste good.”

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“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks


“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker


british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east


contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way


[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup


[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass


here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos


When someone asks me, “Is this seat saved?” I like to say “No, but we’re still praying for it” and I laugh because chairs are like, dead.


I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.