[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
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Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus