@ibid78

[commercial]
“I’m tired of fruits that taste good.”
Narrator: GRAPEFRUIT

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@iwearaonesie

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

@TheBoydP

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

@MNateShyamalan

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

@MarfSalvador

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup

@MarfSalvador

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

@punished_picnic

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

@MissyBell71

When someone asks me, “Is this seat saved?” I like to say “No, but we’re still praying for it” and I laugh because chairs are like, dead.

@Ophoenix1

I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.