“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
“I’m tired of fruits that taste good.”
You Might Also Like
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
“That’s close enough…”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”
[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.
“You sure about that?”
[chewing on glass] Yup
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
When someone asks me, “Is this seat saved?” I like to say “No, but we’re still praying for it” and I laugh because chairs are like, dead.
I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.