[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
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If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I know
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.