Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

I think we should hear other voices.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good