[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
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ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
If only.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Good morning!
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot