[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
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HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn鈥檛 explain why I was just standing there.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else鈥檚 yard it鈥檚 called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 馃槑馃崅
Two hundred dollars for a women鈥檚 blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
What the hell is going on?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
馃幎Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
[Date]
Her: you鈥檙e a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.