Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

Florida man

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

found a horse’s reddit account

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

I hope this email finds you in a well

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.