Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
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If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation