Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.