Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

on da cob, we all corn

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing