Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.