Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

another case of gang violins

i did the math

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

ㅤ

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂