Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

As the Lord intended

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.