Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.