Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

Yes my dude

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this