Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”