WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?

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I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.


I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.


Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:


[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?


Columbus: I claim this cake for Spain.
Also these Slim Jims are for Spain, too.
And maybe the

me: dude, that’s my mom’s cassero-

C: Spain.


Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.


there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them


With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.