[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
You Might Also Like
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*