@nbadag

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

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@P1ssed_K1d

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

@UnFitz

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

@Pig_Minted

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

@Brampersandon_

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

@iamspacegirl

Columbus: I claim this cake for Spain.
Also these Slim Jims are for Spain, too.
And maybe the

me: dude, that’s my mom’s cassero-

C: Spain.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

@Brocklesnitch

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

@wittwitbarista

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.