Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

ㅤ

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!