Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

I just ran a .003048K

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean