Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Saturday

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.