commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
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Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
damn he’s good
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
🤣🤣🤣
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.