commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
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Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Good morning, Twitter x
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.