commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
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Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.