Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
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I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?