Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh