Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.