Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
The glockness monster
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off