Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My Plans 2020
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4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.