Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

😬

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.