Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
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I got a sweater for Christmas.
I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
My five year plan is a meteorite
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.