Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
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Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
‘I know a black person’
– White people
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun