Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
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Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.