Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
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Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
titanic
🏙👨🏼
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”