Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
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Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
one last job
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”