Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
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Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
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The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion![]()
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you