Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

Donkey Kong sommelier

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice