Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS