Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
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white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.