Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
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85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Me, flirting😏
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket