Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
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interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Children of the corn 🌽
Realize this:
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes