Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

This story is comedy gold 😂

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.