Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
You Might Also Like
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
dead inside
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.