Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

This is my favorite one of these!

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

Erm…

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though