Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
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If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Driving a newer car is like oh weird this one doesn’t have Shake on Highway, maybe they stopped making that feature
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs