Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
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When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
nyc:
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today