Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”