Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.