Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
