Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
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If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time