Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
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Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe