Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
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an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
💀🤣
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.