Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

Can’t. About to go please some beans

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.