Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster