Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.