Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

Me when someone tries to get to know me

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

*first date*

Her: I love strong guys…

Me: I would fight

Her: …with a playful side…

Me: with Mickey Mouse

Her: …and a naughty side…

Me: in bed

Her: what

Me: what

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event