Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”