Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

socratic questions

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright