Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

Mad Max Arctic Road

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

Happy Caturday!

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.