Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
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My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
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mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)