Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email