Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…