[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
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This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.